Telling

I had asked my company to let me be the one to tell school that I was leaving, and not let them hear it from the company or Board of education. This was because I knew it would be a shock for my colleagues to find out that I was leaving, having just started again.

However, the company had kept telling me not to mention anything yet because it might make my life awkward; the teachers might respond by trying to get me to stay, fighting for more money and a better deal for me. In the fortnight before leaving I had still not had any written word from the company to say that it was ok for me to leave and I felt disconcerted by this. I emailed the company to ask for an email simply to confirm that I could leave but their response was a little different.

I got to school on a Thursday, the principal was outside greeting the kids and he gave me a funny look - which for some reason I interpreted as there being something wrong with my trousers. Anyway, in school I put my shoes in my shoe locker and said good morning to Arai sensei. She took me aside suddenly and whispered something that sounded suspiciously like she knew I was leaving. I didn't want to confirm anything though because she might have been talking about pizza, or anything, as my Japanese is still not that good you see.

I had almost accidentally given away my secret weeks ago when the principal had asked me to write a report on all the classes; I had interpreted it as him saying that he knew I was leaving and was about to confirm it but fortunately chose to look blank instead until he said it again more simply. I don’t think that the Principal likes me very much; he doesn’t want to speak English and thinks my Japanese is much better than it is and this rather causes a problem. We talk about once every three months but I like him because he has a big round laugh that comes from his big round belly and echoes around the Teachers Room to make us feel like we are actually working for Santa.

This time though Arai sensei really did know, the company had called the previous day. She explained that only the principal and vice principal knew as well, but there would be a meeting later that day.

So the company had told the school and then not bothered to warn me of this. Aside from anger I felt panic because of this upcoming meeting; I had no responses prepared, no good ways of explaining myself in Japanese. During my free time that day I wrote out possible sentences I could use and then waited anxiously, wondering when the meeting would come.

Right at the end of the day it became clear that I had mistaken what she’d said. There was to be a meeting, but I would not be there for it. The meeting was to inform all the other members of staff but it was going to take place after I had left for the day. “Thank God,” I thought and made a speedy exit.

The next day...was awkward. As soon as I got to school in the morning people seemed to be behaving differently around me. I had no classes first period so I was in the Teacher's Room feeling nervous and avoiding all eye contact. The people in the office have always been kind and supportive to me and it was there that I sought salvation. When you go into the office you are supposed to say, "shitsurei shimasu" meaning "sorry for disturbing." The three of them looked up at me when I entered. On the left was Ishiyama sensei who is even younger than I am. In the middle was Shibata sensei and to her right Ito sensei, both of whom have good English and had always managed to make job easier.

"It's awkward" I said to all three of them, they didn't react. "Everybody knows that I am leaving, right?"
"Yes," said Ito sensei, "it was a big surprise." They all looked rather sad and I cast my eyes to the floor like a guilty kid and apologised. I explained why I couldn’t have told them earlier and that I felt like it was time to go home. This latter piece of news came as another surprise; they had assumed that I had found a new job in Japan somewhere. "No, no, no," I insisted, I didn't want them to think that I was abandoning them for a new school. That would be like betrayal.

Shibata sensei slowly began to cry. She hid her eyes with her hands and turned away slightly. "Ahhhhhhh!" I screamed in my head, "I never wanted this to happen!" I had been told that schools expected English teachers to leave, I had read in books that what seems like affection towards foreigners can simply just be politeness but all that came crashing down in those tears. It was one of those situations where everyone politely ignores the person crying; to mention it or to run away would be a mistake. I finished what I was saying as quickly as possible and made my way out saying, "Shitsueri shimashita" which seemed especially true this time.

I went to one of the few places of refuge in the world today, the toilet, and thought for a while. I felt guilty and upset; I had never wanted to make anyone upset over me, least of all people who had shown me nothing but kindness. I wanted to set the record straight somehow and explain myself properly. There was one other person who could help me do that, Arai sensei.

She had some time to talk so we sat down together at my desk; the vice principal was listening in too with a lack of subtlety. First of, I apologised for leaving and for the short notice, she nodded sympathetically. Then I went on to tell her everything; she too was surprised at my wishing to go home. She said that the teachers had assumed I would stay in Japan forever, that I would, "die in Japan." We talked about the job and she mentioned the previous English teachers at the school; there had been six that she knew of. Despite this high number though it had still been a big surprise that I was leaving, maybe she thought I was different.

During the breaktime one of the more fearless teachers came up to my desk to ask why I had decided to leave. I told her my story and this started a whole wave of other teachers coming to speak to me. I sit next to the first year teachers and when one of them asked me the same question I replied deliberately loudly so that the other first year teachers could hear too. Teachers from other year groups were straining their necks to listen; it was the topic of the day.

I made sure they understood how much I like the school, that I would only want to work there. It was just that I wanted to go home. I was being honest at last and it felt good to finally be able to tell them.

Shibata sensei and I crossed paths again later that day. She apologised to me for crying earlier and I said, "No, no, it was my fault," and I meant it. Then she said something incredibly touching, she said that she saw me like a younger brother. It was a moment of affection and in England two people in a similar moment would hug, but Japanese people don't often hug in public. I mentioned this to her and she gave a “what the Hell” kind of look and opened her arms. We hugged, and it wasn't a quick cursory kind of hug either, it was a meaningful one but it was interrupted by some kids who said, "Ehhh Nick sensei's mum?" Shibata sensei laughed and said "Yes, Japanese mother." Though it was funny, those kids had put an end to a really nice moment. Realistically though, moments like that are always ended by something and if not then they are just, sort of, hard to end; it’s the middle part that is most meaningful.

Everyone is getting used to the idea now, perhaps most of all me as the reality of my decision is becoming apparent. The kids will find out next week, and I really don’t know how that is going to be.